crush my soul

I have been sick with fever and chills for the past few days then I get a message from you that breaks my heart. You never really say much but when you do, you choose just the right phrase to crush my soul. My words are spilling like blood all over the place and if I admit that it affects me, it affects me, so I stay silent. 

You know you really love someone when you're relieved just knowing they are alive somewhere however far away they may be. And it doesn't even matter if they talk to you or not, if they ignore you, reject you, don't value you or push you away. When you're okay that they're happy even if their happiness does not include you - that's the measure of true love. 

Thank you Pa for instilling this value in me when I was younger. Once again I'm realizing that the heartaches I've experienced early on were just preparations for bigger disappointments in life. You've left so many times that I'm used to disappearing acts. You made promises you never kept, so I'm familiar with broken vows. You told stories that were not true, so I'm accustomed to lies. And you cursed a lot, but God, I'll never get used to that - and all the violence that comes with each profanity, the broken bones, the bloody face of my brother as you beat him up and you make me watch and you tell us not to cry because crying is for the weak. 

There are some things a child can never un-see or un-know, but there are some things a child should never experience at all. I wish time can distill the memories and make them pure but every time people disappoint me or hurt me, all the bad dreams come back on repeat and I have to hide myself under the blankets until they leave.

I blame this sickness that has temporarily made my heart soft and my brain muddy with dark thoughts. But why did you have to make it worse by saying that? My only happiness these days comes from sharing with you all these little things I find in this journey, and yet you told me to stop sending any. It's like asking me to stop breathing. Why don't you just kill me now?

I had high hopes about you. I guess I was wrong. 

amidst all the leaving

So I visit you again, for the first time in a long time. These familiar pages call to me like old friends who know too well when I have stories to tell.

I didn't think I'd see you again, but the stars have a way of aligning to make the past seem like a distant dream and the future a foggy unknown so that we can all concentrate on the present.

You haven't changed at all, you may have evolved into someone with more complexities that you have built around yourself to shield you from the world, but essentially you are still the same person I met in another lifetime. You still look for love in all the wrong places, give yourself away to the wrong people, succumb to the darkness and self destruction, and yet somehow you can still laugh about it all like the whole world is a joke.

I would say I haven't really changed much as well, I'm still painfully aware of every little detail, too sensitive of all the hurt. I wish I could turn it off, so I don't catch the loneliness in people's eyes, but I can't, it's a curse that I have learned to live with. I'm not as affected as I used to be though, I've grown to be this cool detached person with an air of nonchalant indifference. It keeps me sane, it stops me from thinking and feeling too much. All the sadness just bounces off me, I don't absorb them anymore, but sometimes, I let them in, if only to remind me how it is to feel again.

If I knew a decade ago that this is how this will all end, I would have saved myself all the heartache. I guess caring too much about people is my major flaw, it keeps me up at night, it drives me crazy.

I've always felt that you had this tendency to stray off the right path because you are too much of a free spirit. You like the adventure, the unknown, the danger, and you have blatant disregard for rules. All I wanted then was to keep you safe, to make you realize that you have so much potential in you if you only bothered to pursue your dreams, but of course you couldn't care less. So you chose to break my heart and hurt yourself and here we are, light years later, older but none the wiser.

I told you I was leaving, and I might never come back. I left behind everything and everyone to follow the unknown, something you would be proud of. I can jump off cliffs too, you know.

Of all the goodbyes we've been through, I think this is the only proper goodbye we ever had. There is no more running away, no more bitterness and pride. We're just two old friends who have resigned ourselves to the fact that however fast the world may turn, we will still find each other somehow and we can always continue our stories where we left off.

So take care as you pursue your own journeys, I can't wait to hear what you discover.

See you someday soon!


2015.12.2.4.53.a.m.

only memory remains

When the world is still, I think of you, of all that was and what used to be. In that moment, there is clarity, the suns shines brighter, and the wind touches my face like an old friend who knows how much tears I've stopped from falling. 

The world seemed too real then, every breathe pierced my lungs, every feeling hurt my chest, and only you could stop the pain, but even then the dream does not stay. 

When the world is still, there is music, the rain stops, the clouds roll away, the sky is bigger, people smile, wishes come true and there's you when I turn at the corner.

But today, life's noise drowns the pain, and only the memory remains.

old friends, new friends

why is it so hard to have new friends these days? all the people we meet now in this age are all so fleeting and temporary, we don't really take the time to know them anymore, it's not like high school friends or college friends or friends from your first work where you spent at least 4 years, where it's so easy to pick up from where you last left. now it's all hi, hello, what did you do last weekend, what are you doing next weekend, that's great, have fun, drive safely. and that's the end of it. the next day will be the same questions like you never answered them before, so automatic, so thoughtless, so heartless. this is what we've become - walking spheres that don't intersect, we just bounce off each other and move on to the next direction. 

is it our age? is it our generation? is it the natural progression of time? is it evolution? do we somehow lose this capacity to care for someone new in our lives after a certain age? when did we stop asking questions like: you look sad, do you want to talk about it? can i help you with something? do you want to just hang out? - when did we stop reaching out? when did we become so selfish and self absorbed? 

in the city that never wakes

Restless. This city leaves me yearning for more. I can't stay too long, I feel like crawling out of this skin. This is not home, these strange people are like characters of a play that was written long before my time and now I am here, totally out of place, without meaning, without sense. I have too much time to think. Too much time to feel.

And the ghosts of my past are restless, wanting to come alive and wreak havoc. I need to gain control before it overtakes me. I can hear it sneaking up on me when my guard is down and I have too much time, too much time to not be me.

Tonight I walked to the skytrain while the weight of autumn gazed at my back and all these voices they keep screaming. I can't make them stop. I need to be with people who stay grounded. I need these pointless conversations to make me stay sane. And yet I have to stay away. I can always blame the season, the gray that comes too soon. My head was heavy with unreasonable thoughts and I hopped on the train towards the wrong direction. Two stations passed before I woke up to realize that I should get off and go the other way.

I am restless. This city leaves me restless. These people have no faces and they never mean what they say or say what they mean. They keep forgetting and I have to go away. I have to stay away. It's for my own good. It's for their own good.

Tomorrow I will stay away.

can't carry a tune

music is the way kindred souls communicate to each other. you can tell a lot about your friends by their playlists.. each melody represents an era, a feeling, a memory, each word carries with it a pain, a person, a whole other lifetime lived not so long ago.

i have punctuated my life with songs, sometimes when i hear one playing on the radio, a certain year comes to mind, a moment freeze framed and slowly flashing like an old movie on replay. often these hymns are so powerful that they bring me back to a place that used to hurt - a place i've covered with cobblestones to hide the bruises. but one tune, one lousy refrain and walls tumble to give in to longing.

memories could be a gift, or a curse, depending on which kind you wish to bring back from the dead. but i know one fact.. never listen to crappy songs on vday =) happy hearts day everyone!

mush mush

Once upon a time I fell in love - the mad, blind, irrational and passionate kind. It happened unexpectedly as all great loves do. I didnt look for it, it just found me while I was busy with the mundanities of living.

I never really knew what it was until it was staring right in front of me. I tried to deny it, push it away, paint it with stripes hoping to make the hippopotamus look like a zebra. But it just washed itself, shook its head and stubbornly stayed. Nothing made sense until I admitted that I was in love.

We kissed then lightning crashed on that damp rainy night, and that's how I knew that as much as I wanted to keep this feeling, this high, this heaven, I didnt want to risk losing the person that brings it. Friendship survives holocausts, other relationships crumble. I had to let it go.

So I went away, I made excuses, it was crushing, it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces that will never heal no matter how many centuries it took. It was stupid, but it was the right thing to do. At rare times when I allow myself to feel, the wound still hurts,

That was 5 years ago, I coasted through life since then and made myself believe that I was fine. Found new people who entrusted their hearts to me but I never kept them. The spark never came back, something was always missing.

Sometimes when all is quiet I would weep and look back at the path I chose, then I would blink the tears away and reassure myself that I made the right decision.

Tonight the ghosts rose from the grave to haunt me, and taunt me and tell me what I would have otherwise missed if I had stayed. But I am too far down the road and I have learned to live with the pain for as long as I can remember that it doesnt seem to matter anymore. I have become contented with the role I chose to play in your life.

I feel a twinge as I read your words - of a new found love, of the same old feeling - but you have become nothing more than my idea of heaven, that place where dreams are made of, I know that's the best we can ever be - kindred souls. The half that makes me whole.

I will always love you M, and I will always let you go. I hope she makes you happy, I would never wish anything less for you.

I miss you, I miss the way my hand fit yours, and for me, that has always been enough in this lifetime.

Goodbye. Hello ;)

random voices

Last night I dreamt I was alive again, I felt I was tasting life for the first time; the feel of rain on the tip of my tongue was so real, so delicate, so tragic. I walked in and around my dream wondering where my imagination ended and reality began, but I could never really tell.

That's when I saw the shadow of a kindred soul lying on its back, right on the same mound of sand where I buried my star. My eyes saw red; I felt it was sacrilege for this trespasser to desecrate the grave of my dear friend. I quietly approached the resting soul and said: "why do you lie here when the sand is so vast and you can have your pick anywhere else but here?" I waited long for a response since it pretended not to hear me, but finally, when it realized I would hold my ground until it let out an explanation, it said in a slow indifferent drawl: "And why not? This mound provides a good pillow for my head, and besides, from this view I can see all the rest of the skies"

"What a proud creature you are, do you not know that this is the grave of my star and you have shown no amount of concern nor respect for it!" I uttered in indignation.

"A star you say?" it said with mild interest "those tiny drops of light belong to the skies not here on this barren sand, why did you choose to bury it here?"

"Because I don't know how to take it back where it came from," I said in frustration "I don't have tools to build me anything that wil l carry me to that place"

"Come here, sit beside me," the kindred soul invited "You don't need to build a great ship nor climb a tall ladder in order to reach the heavens, that is foolishness, nor should you lie here waiting for the heavens to come down to you, that is madness. There is only one way"

"And what is that?"

"To die."

"Are you implying that I should go now and take my life in order to reach heaven? That is the most absurd thing I ever heard."

"Who said anything about taking your own life? That is the farthest path to heaven. All you have to do is go about doing your own business and wait. Wait for that ultimate moment when Death finally decides to take you"

"I cannot wait that long, I need to leave this place now. I need to be in a place with no darkness nor sadness nor bitter choices, a place where I no longer have to wait for things that will never come"

"Ah, but that is your biggest fault, heaven is not a place. It is a decision. It is a commitment, and until you have not made one, you will never get there" For a moment, I wanted to believe that the kindred soul had gone mad, but something inside me churned so I stayed silent.

I closed my eyes in confusion. I envy my star whose time has come, and who is probably happy now beside its family of bright twinkling envoys of light. Why has death not chosen to take me with it too? Why do I have to go on with this madness?

These are the voices that visit me every night.

in between dreaming

lately the dreams were late to come and wake me up from reality. i have been turning stones but none of them can tell me where i've left the *missing piece*. that only made me more lost. maybe there is no such piece, maybe i have it with me but i just dont know it. maybe i had it once and i broke it mindlessly because i didnt know its value then. maybe maybe maybe. uncertainty is the only sure thing in my life right now.

it has been three months of silence. three months of spilling more words and letters somewhere else. everywhere else but here. my star has chosen to fade away and blink back the rest of the world one last time. i had to bury it under the sands where i first saw it. i dont know if it has a soul, but if it does, may its soul rest in peace.

last night i went home and looked into a mirror that reflected the rest of the world except me. i tried to find the spaces where i could fit but nothing stays in place these days anymore, and it is futile to hold on to something that has wings strong enough to carry itself away from me.

tonight the sunset threatens once more to make me think too much. i will not let it win this time.

deviating from rhymes

one moonlit night i went out to look for stars that may have lost their hold on the great dark sky and decided to fall and graze the leaves and branches of my neighbor's backyard

from the bushes, i picked one tiny drop of sunlight and whispered: "hi"

it flickered ever so slightly and looked as if it was abashed to be seen in such a frightful state. i lifted my palm encouragingly and said: "dont be afraid, im here to help you find your way, where did you come from? wher are you headed?"

but the star having no ears could not hear me, it wept silently, the way a child would after discovering he is lost, and he has gone a long way from home.

i sat down on the grass and pondered the situation that my star has gotten itself into. yes, i know im being presumptous to call it mine, when ive only just found it, and i dont even know what to do with it yet, or if somebody else owns it, or worse, what if it is one of those things which cannot be owned?

pushing aside my own introspection, i tried once more, this time i put my finger on my lips as if to hush its weeping, then i pointed to the moon lazily resting on some velvet clouds which chose to hide the heavens - where my tiny friend fell from. "home" i said slowly, clearly, "is that where you came from?"

and with a sudden rush of understanding, it blinked once, twice, and nodded its head, "g-- o- h- o- m- e" it tried to utter in broken syllables, ah! my star wanted to go home, we have progress, at least i now know where we're headed, but how could i reach the sky and put this star back where it once belonged? a seemingly impossible task, i thought, but like all problems, this too must come with a solution, though not yet obvious right now.

i pulled out a piece of torn paper from my coat, and gently wrapped my quivering star in it, i replaced it back in my pocket and walked slowly.

how do i reach the sky? do i build a tall ladder and lean it against a giant tree, then climb it painstakingly till i finally reach the top? how would i know if it is high enough? do i make a giant balloon filled with hot air and let it lift me up till i can touch that place where the horizons meet? do i ride a boat and row myself to eternity hoping i will somehow sail through the end of the seas and fall off the earth and touch the vast nothingness of forever?

carefully, i took my star from out of its hiding place and laid it down into the cold ground, i laid down beside it and watched the distance between us and our destination grow by leaps and bounds with my every blink,

...and this is where i am right now.

puddles of rain

it was raining again this afternoon when i went out, i cant really stay sad when everything else around me, even the weather, is gloomy. im not really sad though, im lost. and this loss confuses me, until i no longer know what to feel and how to feel.

this place is covered with black and sharp and stinging things, i cant stay here and wait till they come to life and choke me. i want to run far until they all fall out of my head into a place where things are pure and honest and real.

these days, writing has become too difficult, its hard to wade through words and pick one out from the herd and paste it down on paper without cutting a piece of my skin. everything hurts, and i dont know where the hurt comes from. does it hurt to be lost? i really dont know. when you're lost, you're afraid, afraid you won't find your way back, when you're afraid, you are angry, angry of the unknown, angry for not knowing. but where does the hurt come in? why this aching feeling that grips through my heart like a claw?

tonight i will step out of this building, not knowing where to go, even as my feet involuntarily lead me back to that place i call my home. this city moves too fast, and though i can run with it until all things around me become a blur of unfeeling, there is really no point. because one day i will have to park, and when i do, im afraid there will be noone there to sit quietly beside me and share my stories.

sepia toned life

"I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what i'm gonna do
when i get there
I take a breath and hold on tight Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace"
- breathing, lifehouse

after almost a decade of walking behind your shadows, i feel lost now that i have chosen a path away from you. you used to define me. you are in every line of my face, your memory burns through my veins like embers from a nearly extinguished fire.  i was nothing without you. "every step i took ever since i learned to walk was a step towards finding you", what do i do now? now that you are gone, my north star, my guiding light.. how do i start again? i didnt foresee that the outcome of letting go would be this - a vast chasm that eats away everything. a void that cant seem to be filled with light, a black hole that extinguishes all hope.

to any kindred soul out there, to the gods that must be, help me find my way back again...

"I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth
And i'm trying to identify the voices in my head
God I wish won't you
Let me feel one more time what if feels like to feel
And break these caluses off of me one more time"
- breathing, lifehouse

a night full of noise

no time is the wrong time to be thinking about you. especially on late nights like this when the only company that keeps me awake is the sound of horns from vehicles plowing along ayala avenue.

i should be going home really, i have no business staying here, im too preoccupied with a zillion other miniscule distractions that prevent me from accomplishing my work. im just here so i can be with the presence of other people who are themselves distracted with some other trivial matter. i choose to stay here because being alone in my room with the noise that comes from inside my head is more troubling than sitting here and listening to the conversations of people in a foreign tounge.

its futile to escape the voices that wrap around my memory when i close me eyes at night. if only i could lock them all in a jar or throw them inside my closet where they could never escape, then maybe i will have better chances of hearing my own thoughts amidst all the confusion. its difficult to choose which me i should listen to everytime. i hope one of these days, a clear voice would finally speak up show me what i need to understand.

angry skies

the clouds are pouring its rage on the towers of this spired city. im tempted to stay inside and let the storm pass but i have promises to keep.. after everything ive went through, a little drop of rain cant hurt me now.
 
promises, you said you hated making promises, because you always break them. but why make a promise you can never keep in the first place? to ease present doubts and worries? for immediate gain? ahh, i forgot, i can never know how your mind works, there are no reasons unreasonable enough for you
 
back to the present, i need to get out of this comfort zone and face heaven's rage if i want to move forward and prove myself, the path towards enlightenment is laden with challenges like this. i must not give up so easily.

orange colored afternoons

im still waiting here, waiting for you to come sit by my side and take my hand, and walk me home..

it seems ages ago when we last sat together and just watched the blue sky turn to orange then finally to a deep purple. that was years ago, and we were both too young, we didnt know any better, or maybe we knew too much then.. i dont know anymore. i never knew anything. you were the wise one. i was the scribe.

time has a way of blurring images, making the past seem like an illusion, and the future, a distant dream. if only i could conjure enough images of you, of us in my mind, then maybe i could bring you back, maybe i could bring us back, and we can continue where we left off.

but, where exactly was that?

late night musings

i'm a million miles away from home tonight. the distance between us stretches every minute. i find myself sulking in my room, wishing myself away on a plane, wanting to be home..

but i know better, there is no such place as home. i am broken into pieces that i have given away to the many different kindred souls that i've met and they take me home when they remember me, with a happy thought or a little nod of recognition.. and i fall asleep with them as they close their eyes at night