it was raining again this afternoon when i went out, i cant really stay sad when everything else around me, even the weather, is gloomy. im not really sad though, im lost. and this loss confuses me, until i no longer know what to feel and how to feel.
this place is covered with black and sharp and stinging things, i cant stay here and wait till they come to life and choke me. i want to run far until they all fall out of my head into a place where things are pure and honest and real.
these days, writing has become too difficult, its hard to wade through words and pick one out from the herd and paste it down on paper without cutting a piece of my skin. everything hurts, and i dont know where the hurt comes from. does it hurt to be lost? i really dont know. when you're lost, you're afraid, afraid you won't find your way back, when you're afraid, you are angry, angry of the unknown, angry for not knowing. but where does the hurt come in? why this aching feeling that grips through my heart like a claw?
tonight i will step out of this building, not knowing where to go, even as my feet involuntarily lead me back to that place i call my home. this city moves too fast, and though i can run with it until all things around me become a blur of unfeeling, there is really no point. because one day i will have to park, and when i do, im afraid there will be noone there to sit quietly beside me and share my stories.
Saturday, July 24, 2004
sepia toned life
"I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what i'm gonna do
when i get there
I take a breath and hold on tight Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace"
- breathing, lifehouse
after almost a decade of walking behind your shadows, i feel lost now that i have chosen a path away from you. you used to define me. you are in every line of my face, your memory burns through my veins like embers from a nearly extinguished fire. i was nothing without you. "every step i took ever since i learned to walk was a step towards finding you", what do i do now? now that you are gone, my north star, my guiding light.. how do i start again? i didnt foresee that the outcome of letting go would be this - a vast chasm that eats away everything. a void that cant seem to be filled with light, a black hole that extinguishes all hope.
to any kindred soul out there, to the gods that must be, help me find my way back again...
"I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth
And i'm trying to identify the voices in my head
God I wish won't you
Let me feel one more time what if feels like to feel
And break these caluses off of me one more time"
- breathing, lifehouse
Friday, July 16, 2004
a night full of noise
no time is the wrong time to be thinking about you. especially on late nights like this when the only company that keeps me awake is the sound of horns from vehicles plowing along ayala avenue.
i should be going home really, i have no business staying here, im too preoccupied with a zillion other miniscule distractions that prevent me from accomplishing my work. im just here so i can be with the presence of other people who are themselves distracted with some other trivial matter. i choose to stay here because being alone in my room with the noise that comes from inside my head is more troubling than sitting here and listening to the conversations of people in a foreign tounge.
its futile to escape the voices that wrap around my memory when i close me eyes at night. if only i could lock them all in a jar or throw them inside my closet where they could never escape, then maybe i will have better chances of hearing my own thoughts amidst all the confusion. its difficult to choose which me i should listen to everytime. i hope one of these days, a clear voice would finally speak up show me what i need to understand.
i should be going home really, i have no business staying here, im too preoccupied with a zillion other miniscule distractions that prevent me from accomplishing my work. im just here so i can be with the presence of other people who are themselves distracted with some other trivial matter. i choose to stay here because being alone in my room with the noise that comes from inside my head is more troubling than sitting here and listening to the conversations of people in a foreign tounge.
its futile to escape the voices that wrap around my memory when i close me eyes at night. if only i could lock them all in a jar or throw them inside my closet where they could never escape, then maybe i will have better chances of hearing my own thoughts amidst all the confusion. its difficult to choose which me i should listen to everytime. i hope one of these days, a clear voice would finally speak up show me what i need to understand.
angry skies
the clouds are pouring its rage on the towers of this spired city. im tempted to stay inside and let the storm pass but i have promises to keep.. after everything ive went through, a little drop of rain cant hurt me now.
promises, you said you hated making promises, because you always break them. but why make a promise you can never keep in the first place? to ease present doubts and worries? for immediate gain? ahh, i forgot, i can never know how your mind works, there are no reasons unreasonable enough for you
back to the present, i need to get out of this comfort zone and face heaven's rage if i want to move forward and prove myself, the path towards enlightenment is laden with challenges like this. i must not give up so easily.
promises, you said you hated making promises, because you always break them. but why make a promise you can never keep in the first place? to ease present doubts and worries? for immediate gain? ahh, i forgot, i can never know how your mind works, there are no reasons unreasonable enough for you
back to the present, i need to get out of this comfort zone and face heaven's rage if i want to move forward and prove myself, the path towards enlightenment is laden with challenges like this. i must not give up so easily.
orange colored afternoons
im still waiting here, waiting for you to come sit by my side and take my hand, and walk me home.. 
it seems ages ago when we last sat together and just watched the blue sky turn to orange then finally to a deep purple. that was years ago, and we were both too young, we didnt know any better, or maybe we knew too much then.. i dont know anymore. i never knew anything. you were the wise one. i was the scribe.
time has a way of blurring images, making the past seem like an illusion, and the future, a distant dream. if only i could conjure enough images of you, of us in my mind, then maybe i could bring you back, maybe i could bring us back, and we can continue where we left off.
but, where exactly was that?
it seems ages ago when we last sat together and just watched the blue sky turn to orange then finally to a deep purple. that was years ago, and we were both too young, we didnt know any better, or maybe we knew too much then.. i dont know anymore. i never knew anything. you were the wise one. i was the scribe.
time has a way of blurring images, making the past seem like an illusion, and the future, a distant dream. if only i could conjure enough images of you, of us in my mind, then maybe i could bring you back, maybe i could bring us back, and we can continue where we left off.
but, where exactly was that?
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