Restless. This city leaves me yearning for more. I can't stay too long, I feel like crawling out of this skin. This is not home, these strange people are like characters of a play that was written long before my time and now I am here, totally out of place, without meaning, without sense. I have too much time to think. Too much time to feel.
And the ghosts of my past are restless, wanting to come alive and wreak havoc. I need to gain control before it overtakes me. I can hear it sneaking up on me when my guard is down and I have too much time, too much time to not be me.
Tonight I walked to the skytrain while the weight of autumn gazed at my back and all these voices they keep screaming. I can't make them stop. I need to be with people who stay grounded. I need these pointless conversations to make me stay sane. And yet I have to stay away. I can always blame the season, the gray that comes too soon. My head was heavy with unreasonable thoughts and I hopped on the train towards the wrong direction. Two stations passed before I woke up to realize that I should get off and go the other way.
I am restless. This city leaves me restless. These people have no faces and they never mean what they say or say what they mean. They keep forgetting and I have to go away. I have to stay away. It's for my own good. It's for their own good.
Tomorrow I will stay away.
if one day i find you, only to learn that i must let you go soon, then this journey would still not be in vain, for that one moment when our eyes met, is enough to last me a thousand dreams for every night i'll spend without you.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
can't carry a tune
music is the way kindred souls communicate to each other. you can tell a lot about your friends by their playlists.. each melody represents an era, a feeling, a memory, each word carries with it a pain, a person, a whole other lifetime lived not so long ago.
i have punctuated my life with songs, sometimes when i hear one playing on the radio, a certain year comes to mind, a moment freeze framed and slowly flashing like an old movie on replay. often these hymns are so powerful that they bring me back to a place that used to hurt - a place i've covered with cobblestones to hide the bruises. but one tune, one lousy refrain and walls tumble to give in to longing.
memories could be a gift, or a curse, depending on which kind you wish to bring back from the dead. but i know one fact.. never listen to crappy songs on vday =) happy hearts day everyone!
i have punctuated my life with songs, sometimes when i hear one playing on the radio, a certain year comes to mind, a moment freeze framed and slowly flashing like an old movie on replay. often these hymns are so powerful that they bring me back to a place that used to hurt - a place i've covered with cobblestones to hide the bruises. but one tune, one lousy refrain and walls tumble to give in to longing.
memories could be a gift, or a curse, depending on which kind you wish to bring back from the dead. but i know one fact.. never listen to crappy songs on vday =) happy hearts day everyone!
Monday, January 21, 2008
mush mush
Once upon a time I fell in love - the mad, blind, irrational and passionate kind. It happened unexpectedly as all great loves do. I didnt look for it, it just found me while I was busy with the mundanities of living.
I never really knew what it was until it was staring right in front of me. I tried to deny it, push it away, paint it with stripes hoping to make the hippopotamus look like a zebra. But it just washed itself, shook its head and stubbornly stayed. Nothing made sense until I admitted that I was in love.
We kissed then lightning crashed on that damp rainy night, and that's how I knew that as much as I wanted to keep this feeling, this high, this heaven, I didnt want to risk losing the person that brings it. Friendship survives holocausts, other relationships crumble. I had to let it go.
So I went away, I made excuses, it was crushing, it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces that will never heal no matter how many centuries it took. It was stupid, but it was the right thing to do. At rare times when I allow myself to feel, the wound still hurts,
That was 5 years ago, I coasted through life since then and made myself believe that I was fine. Found new people who entrusted their hearts to me but I never kept them. The spark never came back, something was always missing.
Sometimes when all is quiet I would weep and look back at the path I chose, then I would blink the tears away and reassure myself that I made the right decision.
Tonight the ghosts rose from the grave to haunt me, and taunt me and tell me what I would have otherwise missed if I had stayed. But I am too far down the road and I have learned to live with the pain for as long as I can remember that it doesnt seem to matter anymore. I have become contented with the role I chose to play in your life.
I feel a twinge as I read your words - of a new found love, of the same old feeling - but you have become nothing more than my idea of heaven, that place where dreams are made of, I know that's the best we can ever be - kindred souls. The half that makes me whole.
I will always love you M, and I will always let you go. I hope she makes you happy, I would never wish anything less for you.
I miss you, I miss the way my hand fit yours, and for me, that has always been enough in this lifetime.
Goodbye. Hello ;)
I never really knew what it was until it was staring right in front of me. I tried to deny it, push it away, paint it with stripes hoping to make the hippopotamus look like a zebra. But it just washed itself, shook its head and stubbornly stayed. Nothing made sense until I admitted that I was in love.
We kissed then lightning crashed on that damp rainy night, and that's how I knew that as much as I wanted to keep this feeling, this high, this heaven, I didnt want to risk losing the person that brings it. Friendship survives holocausts, other relationships crumble. I had to let it go.
So I went away, I made excuses, it was crushing, it broke my heart into a million tiny pieces that will never heal no matter how many centuries it took. It was stupid, but it was the right thing to do. At rare times when I allow myself to feel, the wound still hurts,
That was 5 years ago, I coasted through life since then and made myself believe that I was fine. Found new people who entrusted their hearts to me but I never kept them. The spark never came back, something was always missing.
Sometimes when all is quiet I would weep and look back at the path I chose, then I would blink the tears away and reassure myself that I made the right decision.
Tonight the ghosts rose from the grave to haunt me, and taunt me and tell me what I would have otherwise missed if I had stayed. But I am too far down the road and I have learned to live with the pain for as long as I can remember that it doesnt seem to matter anymore. I have become contented with the role I chose to play in your life.
I feel a twinge as I read your words - of a new found love, of the same old feeling - but you have become nothing more than my idea of heaven, that place where dreams are made of, I know that's the best we can ever be - kindred souls. The half that makes me whole.
I will always love you M, and I will always let you go. I hope she makes you happy, I would never wish anything less for you.
I miss you, I miss the way my hand fit yours, and for me, that has always been enough in this lifetime.
Goodbye. Hello ;)
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