amidst all the leaving

So I visit you again, for the first time in a long time. These familiar pages call to me like old friends who know too well when I have stories to tell.

I didn't think I'd see you again, but the stars have a way of aligning to make the past seem like a distant dream and the future a foggy unknown so that we can all concentrate on the present.

You haven't changed at all, you may have evolved into someone with more complexities that you have built around yourself to shield you from the world, but essentially you are still the same person I met in another lifetime. You still look for love in all the wrong places, give yourself away to the wrong people, succumb to the darkness and self destruction, and yet somehow you can still laugh about it all like the whole world is a joke.

I would say I haven't really changed much as well, I'm still painfully aware of every little detail, too sensitive of all the hurt. I wish I could turn it off, so I don't catch the loneliness in people's eyes, but I can't, it's a curse that I have learned to live with. I'm not as affected as I used to be though, I've grown to be this cool detached person with an air of nonchalant indifference. It keeps me sane, it stops me from thinking and feeling too much. All the sadness just bounces off me, I don't absorb them anymore, but sometimes, I let them in, if only to remind me how it is to feel again.

If I knew a decade ago that this is how this will all end, I would have saved myself all the heartache. I guess caring too much about people is my major flaw, it keeps me up at night, it drives me crazy.

I've always felt that you had this tendency to stray off the right path because you are too much of a free spirit. You like the adventure, the unknown, the danger, and you have blatant disregard for rules. All I wanted then was to keep you safe, to make you realize that you have so much potential in you if you only bothered to pursue your dreams, but of course you couldn't care less. So you chose to break my heart and hurt yourself and here we are, light years later, older but none the wiser.

I told you I was leaving, and I might never come back. I left behind everything and everyone to follow the unknown, something you would be proud of. I can jump off cliffs too, you know.

Of all the goodbyes we've been through, I think this is the only proper goodbye we ever had. There is no more running away, no more bitterness and pride. We're just two old friends who have resigned ourselves to the fact that however fast the world may turn, we will still find each other somehow and we can always continue our stories where we left off.

So take care as you pursue your own journeys, I can't wait to hear what you discover.

See you someday soon!


2015.12.2.4.53.a.m.